Jagodasladoled

"Maurice" is on ARTE tonight!  And I already realized it never fails to make me happy.

I thought I'd tape it in French, but then I realized they are showing it in German as well, and not, as I had previously thought in the original version (that I have seen twice, so far, and all the drool-worthy scenes several times on YouTube).
So now I kept switching from French to German, French being a lot nicer, and wonder in what language I should watch the Maurice and Alec scenes... Probably in French and then tape the film in German when it airs again in two weeks...

Well, yeah, so I still am obsessed with the book and the film! And own neither myself, so far.

The past two days while reading the novel "Maurice"  written by E.M. Forster I on one hand couldn't wait to find out what would happen in it,  but then again I  wanted to absorb every line, every sencence of the book.
I found myself re-reading passages, something I normally don't  do,  always dreading to go on with the reading when situations just seemed perfect,  but too curious to allow longer pauses before going on.

Now, having finished the book this afternoon, I count it to my favourite novels (others might be Les Liaisons Dangereuses by Choderlos de Laclos and works by Arthur Schnitzler and tales by E.T.A Hoffmann...) and I regret not to be able to read it again without knowing the storyline.

Now I warned myself to look up the movie on the net to catch a glimpse of when it was done and who the actors are,  because  I didn't want to know it yet as I wanted to keep my personal images in my mind a little longer, at least for a few days or even only this evening.  (Saying that, I must admit that some characters stayed rather blurred, especially I couldn't quite get  hold of Maurice, whereas Clive was easier to imagine-)
BUT: Of course I did look it up and found out that Clive was portrayed by Hugh Grand, which struck me with delight (I haven't been thinking of him while reading, as I hardly think of actors when reading a book) but the visual image I had of the character really matched young Hugh Grant.
The disappointment came when I saw the actor of Maurice: Bright blonde hair whereas he is described several times (! ) in the novel as dark and just a lot different from the actor that portrays him...
Alec on the other hand seems perfect again and a video I watched on youtube made me like the setting and the casting of the other characters. That seems fatal to me ! Everything might be perfect but he main part...  that's annoying me right at the moment, but I will have a shot at the film as soon as I can get hold of it.

Edit: Now, after having seen the film, I'm at peace with the casting. Rupert Graves as Alec Scudder is especially great, but James Wilby as Maurice was a good choice after all,  because he does a very good job!

Anyway: Reading "Maurice"  was an emotional up- and down I would have wished to prolong.

After a long day at university  followed by one of my mother's friend's reading I just came home and when I opened the door to my room I thought I had forgotten to turn off the lights when I left this  morning, because it just was so bright, but it was the golden evening light streaming through the windows, enlighting the room in a very beautiful way.

I currently have a lot of work to do for various courses, but before I start with that I decided to write a bit down what I have been up to these days, which actually wasn't very much, just some emotional ups and downs.

When I came back to Vienna after my trip to New York City the day of my arrival (a wednesday) was absolutely okay (despite already missing NYC) and I was struck by Vienna's prettiness. Everything was in full bloom, in my garden and the city itselft . Especially the big chestnut trees make spring in Vienna a reallly nice time. The air smelled wonderful.  That day, I met a friend, attended a lecture and eventually went to sleep. It was from the next day onward that I started feeling, well, how can I say, ...uncomfortable? awkward? uneasy? All of that, I guess, most of all just exhausted. All I craved for the following days was to sleep. And I did sleep an incredible lot, even after hours of sleep I had always to force myself to get up, and if I was up I was tired, anyway. I never was awake these days. The days went by without me doing anything, I didn't profit of these  sunny spring day.
Then, yesterday, when I exited university into the sun in the afternoon, from one second to another I was feeling normal again. Still a bit tired, but for the first time in days I could think of other things I would like to do rather than to sleep.
I got myself some free tickets for a yiddish theatre and rememberd how exatcly the week before I got a free scoop of Ben&Jerry's Ice Cream in New York  because they had a Free Cone Day. I like getting presents (or stuff for free, but presents do sound nicer, I think).

I felt a  bit under pressure that afternoon and evening and still do because of the homeworks, but at least the main exhaustion, the big fatigue,  was gone . And apart from that I would feel fine right now, apart from that and the heartache that suddenly took over me, squeezing my stomach and making my heart pound faster. Feelings that I thought to have gone (or at least hid) away suddenly came back with such an intensity, feelings that are beyond reason and today they came without a reason because I haven't seen him for quite a long time... : I avoided seeing that guy I long for, not really on purpose, but maybe a bit. I never went the same way he showed me to the classroom, telling myself I'm trying out all different paths to get to know at last which one would be the best. I think I  stopped idealizing him without any limit, like I did all these past months, because I don't know him and he may not be worth all my affection, that's what I think but I'm still crazy for him.
I could go on about this forever right now, about how my rational mind so seperates itself from my body and longings, but I really better get things going that I need to do tonight.

And I don't know what to do with my LiveJournal. I feel stupid having an account for german and one for  english blogging and never updating regulary. If I want to keep going I better should choose one and put the other to rest. But decicions are not my thing, you know.








 

Today I fell in love with Ildebrando D'Arcancelo (though I always liked him a lot), and found out that in January he will perform in Vienna! Together with Elina Garanca he will be in Mozart's "Cosi Fàn Tutte". &Garanca sings many parts that first month in 2007, what a joy! 

(D'arcangelo as Figaro)

I should better be happy now. And pack.
I hope I'll have a good time in Florence and actually learn a bit Italian.

too lazy to pack. and it's freezing cold these days, should i even prepare for warmer weather?
so long i was looking forward to this week that now i'm afraid i might be dissapointed. but how could i, on the other hand? i mean, it's all abouth singing with hell a lot of people, and apart from that only food and sleep.
i love singing in a choir, and being able to do that the whole day a whole week should really REALLY make me happy.
but i'm afraid that when singing paueses i'm going to feel lonely again, and that is horrible i can tell you, feeling lonely within a huge, merry crowd.

&today i got a new haircut. i feel kinda weird, hadn't my hair so short for a very long time.

Es ist vorbei. NO MORE SCHOOL. Nie mehr Schule.

Yesterday I had my final oral exams... Now I'm done with school. Everything worked out, only the song I sung at the end of the day didn't, which made me very depressed. Of course the singing wasn't part of the exam so it actually doesn't matter, but I really rehearsed it a lot together with a class mate who accompagnied me on the piano, and so i really wished it would have worked out. A stupid easy little song, actually a choir peace, and I sung so damn badly, mainly because I was very exhausted and unable to concentrate. NOW I'M VERY ANGRY WITH MYSELF.

The exams were very good. And even funny, sometimes. I got a lot of compliments for my french, that made me happy, and very nice  remarks when at last at the very end the results were announced. Since I was the only one that didn't graduate with an excellent success because of maths, the chairwoman who read out the results said some nice things to me whereas she only congratulated the others for  their marks.

So that was it! Now I'm rather depressed, because somehow I don't want this all to be over.

Actually I scribbled the following entry on a paper yesterday while babysitting the sleeping neighbour's kids and wanted to post it afterwards, but I was way too tired and directly went to bed when coming home. So now I'm going to type what I wanted to write yesterday: 

First of all, I've got tickets for the performance of Roméo and Juliette at the Staatsoper with ANNA NETREBKO and ROLANDO VILLAZÓN. 

2. while spending the night at the ticket office waiting for it to open I met cool australian conductor Jen and Irish ex-diplomate Oliver, a huge opera fan and very (!) funny. They were awesome, really. 

3. I didn't sleep all night but for an hour and went to school the next day, feeling hyper and looking like a zombie. 

4. All people I talked to at school must think now I'm completely nuts, but for once they really listened to me, while I talked. (Some even seemed quite impressed by what I did)

5. I had a very nice chat with my french teacher outside the classroom, until Anna, a classmate came out and, telling the teacher angrily that the lesson should have already started. 
So she had to go into the classroom, while I went home. On my way I felt the sudden urge to run back and attend french class, although the lessons used to be very boring this year. But somehow I really felt guilty NOT going there, although my teacher said I didn't need to come.  

6. When I got home, hell I don't even know how to write about it I  FOUND OUT THAT I GOT HELL A LOT OF MONEY FROM DORIS, A GOOD FRIEND AND COLLEAGUE OF MY MOTHER, FOR SINGING LESSONS! 

I mean, WTF? How do I deserve this? How can I ever ever thank her? I couldn't even call her until now. Wouldn't know what to tell her- I'm planning to write her a letter/postcard and then call her - either that or I will phone her tomorrow and send a card afterwards. I still can't believe it.

I wonder why I never really write personal stuff down here at live journal. Things that really bother me. My entries always turn out to be so random, that I feel after wards I have wasted my time writing them. Even if it was fun to do.
Yeah, I have my diary for  all the things I feel I cannot say openly, or just don't want to, but I'm talking about things that aren't exactly secret. 
Because the problem with writing by hand in my diary is, that my mind is far too fast for writing my thoughts down (at the computer it's easier, I type faster that I write) and then again my entries turn out so different from how I wanted them to be. 

But still, it's relieving. Writing diary is very relieving. 

And, Ah, I wished I could write stories. But I never ever could make up a story that contained  a proper beginning, a middle and an end. 
All I can think of are very short fragments, that when I have written them down don't mean anything. Damn. 
I don't even have a good writing style, so the best thing would be to leave it, but then, from time to time, I have the feeling i have to write. It doesn't happen very often though, which is good, because I never came up with something interesting.