After a long day at university followed by one of my mother's friend's reading I just came home and when I opened the door to my room I thought I had forgotten to turn off the lights when I left this morning, because it just was so bright, but it was the golden evening light streaming through the windows, enlighting the room in a very beautiful way.
I currently have a lot of work to do for various courses, but before I start with that I decided to write a bit down what I have been up to these days, which actually wasn't very much, just some emotional ups and downs.
When I came back to Vienna after my trip to New York City the day of my arrival (a wednesday) was absolutely okay (despite already missing NYC) and I was struck by Vienna's prettiness. Everything was in full bloom, in my garden and the city itselft . Especially the big chestnut trees make spring in Vienna a reallly nice time. The air smelled wonderful. That day, I met a friend, attended a lecture and eventually went to sleep. It was from the next day onward that I started feeling, well, how can I say, ...uncomfortable? awkward? uneasy? All of that, I guess, most of all just exhausted. All I craved for the following days was to sleep. And I did sleep an incredible lot, even after hours of sleep I had always to force myself to get up, and if I was up I was tired, anyway. I never was awake these days. The days went by without me doing anything, I didn't profit of these sunny spring day.
Then, yesterday, when I exited university into the sun in the afternoon, from one second to another I was feeling normal again. Still a bit tired, but for the first time in days I could think of other things I would like to do rather than to sleep.
I got myself some free tickets for a yiddish theatre and rememberd how exatcly the week before I got a free scoop of Ben&Jerry's Ice Cream in New York because they had a Free Cone Day. I like getting presents (or stuff for free, but presents do sound nicer, I think).
I felt a bit under pressure that afternoon and evening and still do because of the homeworks, but at least the main exhaustion, the big fatigue, was gone . And apart from that I would feel fine right now, apart from that and the heartache that suddenly took over me, squeezing my stomach and making my heart pound faster. Feelings that I thought to have gone (or at least hid) away suddenly came back with such an intensity, feelings that are beyond reason and today they came without a reason because I haven't seen him for quite a long time... : I avoided seeing that guy I long for, not really on purpose, but maybe a bit. I never went the same way he showed me to the classroom, telling myself I'm trying out all different paths to get to know at last which one would be the best. I think I stopped idealizing him without any limit, like I did all these past months, because I don't know him and he may not be worth all my affection, that's what I think but I'm still crazy for him.
I could go on about this forever right now, about how my rational mind so seperates itself from my body and longings, but I really better get things going that I need to do tonight.
And I don't know what to do with my LiveJournal. I feel stupid having an account for german and one for english blogging and never updating regulary. If I want to keep going I better should choose one and put the other to rest. But decicions are not my thing, you know.